with apologies to John Bishop

Cast

Helsa Wenzel (Susan Skosko)

Elsa Von Grossenkneuten (Marianne Shaeffer). Elsa Von Figgenkneuten

Michael Kelly (Jerry Wienand) Michael Smelly

Patrick O’Reilly (Bill Bluemle) Patrick O’Smiley

Ken De La Maize (Rick Henry) Pie A La Mode

Nikki Crandall (Cathryn Greco) Sticky Candle

Eddie McCuen (Don Rothoff) Oddie McCuen

Marjorie Baverstock (Diann Burke) Marjorie Beaversock

Roger Hopewell (John Elion) Roger Hopeless

Bernice Roth (Lynn Franks) Bernice Sloth

Slasher Flasher

Pie: Welcome to the Cast Skit for Stage 62’s most recent production. Our skit is entitled The Musical Comedy Murders of 1997.

Roger: Is this going to be a long story, John?

Elsa: Before we get started, let’s just take a few moments to get you acquainted with our "set". (Motioning various points) This is the hall and closet doors, this is the piano.

Roger: That’s the piano?

Elsa: Yes.

Roger: Interesting you would place it over here, next to the bar.

Bernice: I would have put it next to the solarium.

Elsa: That’s not the solarium, its the closet.

Bernice: Sorry, I’ve got the wrong room.

Sticky: Can we skip the set description, until after the show?

Pie: Is everybody here?

Elsa: Yes, we’re all here. All together again. Wait a minute. Where’s Marjorie?

Pie: She called and said she’d be late. She had to stay home and cook dinner for her son.

Elsa: Oh, yes. Devon, isn’t it?

Pie: No, Divoon. And now, we present, The Musical Comedy Murders of 1997.

* * *

* * *

Elsa: Helsa, did you just call me Gnadige Frau just now?

Helsa: Yes, Gnadige Frau.

Elsa: Oooh, I asked you not to call me that.

Helsa: Excuse me, gnadige frau, but your cook called and is snowed in.

Elsa: Well, there’s nothing for it but I shall have to see if I remember how to cook Hot Dogs.

All: Hot dogs?

Helsa: I’ll start the white sauce.

O’Smiley: Hi. I’m Patrick O’Smiley. I’m actually Sergeant Smelly’s cousin – the one who was in The Hot Mikado.

Helsa: Can I get you some coffee, Mr. O’Smiley?

O’Smiley: No, thanks. Just had some.

Helsa: Tea, then?

O’Smiley: No, no thanks. I’m fine.

Helsa: Varm milk?

O’Smiley: No

Helsa: Ovaltine?

Marjorie: This is your director, everyone! Pie A La Mood.

Bernice: Your not Pie. You’re Smelly. Pie was tall and thin.

Pie: No, I’m Pie now. The old Pie quit. His wife wouldn’t let him be in the play.

Bernice: Are you sure it was his wife? It might have been the Shuberts.

Pie: Jerry Weinand, he’s Kelly now.

Bernice: Jerry Weinand? He didn’t audition. How did he get in the play?

O’Smiley: We recruited him.

Oddie: Hi, I’m Oddie McCuen. You must be Sticky. I just walked here all the way from New York.

Sticky: Walked here all the way from New York? Why?

Oddie: I got in the car and did five minutes of my best stuff. The driver, he threw me out of the limo. (Pause) Say, do you believe in chemistry?

Sticky: Chemistry?

Oddie: It’s happened to O’Smiley. He was at Kings, and there was this bus – the 38C - at the drive-thru next door. Wham! He had that driver written up faster than you can say Sauerbraten. (Pause) Look, Sticky, this must be our host, Elsa Von Figgen -

Sticky: Neuten.

Marjorie: Elsa, it’s good to see you again. Tell me, are you redecorating.

Elsa: Oh dear, looks like Helsa threw the meat cleaver through the wall again. (Pause) Now that we’re all together again, all together again, and (Open French doors, look outside) it’s very dark and snowy outside, (close doors;blinks eyes because there are potato flakes in them - to others) and – something is in my eye. (Watching Kelly for prompting) Guess what I found in Baby McCannister’s makeup kit. It’s a secret! But I thought I’d turn it over to the police. (She blew it - Kelly slaps his hand over his eyes in disgust) And...it’s very, very dark in here.

Marjorie: Bernoose, Roger, here’s you’re martoonis, and this is your cast. Oddie McCuen, Sticky Candle and Old Blue Eyes, meet Bernoose Sloth and Roger Hoopless. And this is your director, Pie A La Mode.

Pie: Now, before we get started, any questions of character or interpretation, bring them out. Theater is nothing more or less than – more or less than – well uh, it’s nothing more or less than all those wonderful things Roger says I do when he comes in.

Roger: Hasn’t anyone wondered why we’re here? The same people who put together ‘Manhootan Holiday?’ It’s true Elsa is eccentric – that she flutters about stage as though she were Marianne Shaeffer, but I was looking at .her eyes after she peeked out the window, and somehow they seemed more batty than usual.

Marjorie: So you think she’s trying to catch the slasher? You mean, a hackers audition?

Oddie: That’s it. I’m not going to hang around here then.

Sticky: You’re going back out?

Oddie: I’m going back, period.

Sticky: Well, comma, why are you going back question mark?

Oddie: I’ve got to be back in New York. I’ve got a show.

Elsa: When.

Oddie: Well, (looks at watch) actually, right now.

Elsa: (To others; this was one of her prompts; smiles) ...And he was wearing a watch.

Marjorie: Wait a minute, Oddie. I for one would be sorry to see you go. Pie A La Mode is directing. He’s directed shows in Hollywood. He’s directed in London. Why, he knows every barber in Fleet Street. Do you have a barber, Oddie?

Helsa: Excuse me, but I opened ze cupboard to get ze crackers for ze hors d’ouevres, and guess what?

Bernice: (Grossed out) Ohhh, you probably found somebody’s finger or something.

Helsa: No, ze cupboard vas bare. Ve ran out of crackers. Instead ve haff zese petits fours from ze opening night party.

Oddie: Come on, Sticky. Let’s get out of here before they get to the part where the flasher gets us.

Pie: Well, I don’t know why you’re getting so excited. (A la "Clue") I suggest that you, Marjorie Beaversock, killed those girls at the Stage Door with the Razor.

Elsa: (Pulls and fans the pack of cards from her pocket) Uh, Pie – that couldn’t be true. (Takes a card and reveals it to Pie as overtly discrete as possible. Pie takes a big look and gives the OK sign.)

Marjorie: We’re not murderers, Pie, We’re ... show people.

Bernice: You murdered that song in Act I!

Roger: Perhaps Helsa’s sister is the flasher.

Elsa: But then who flashed her?

Roger: It’s all too confusing.

Oddie: No it isn’t. Look it’s simple. (To audience) Time for my big tongue twister! (To Roger) Magic beans for a cow so old, that you had to tell a lie to sell it which you told. Were they worthless beans? Were they oversold? Oh, and tell us who persuaded you to steal that gold?

Roger: Tell us who? I don’t even know what show that’s from.

Kelly: Well, I’m a cop so I’ll figure this out. Everyone go back where they were when the lights went out.

(Kelly goes and stops before each one) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. (Stops. Counts on his fingers from one to five) Uh-huh.

Sticky: Look! The bookcase opened.

O’Smiley: It’s a sacred passage!

Sticky: I’m going in. Play the radio very loud.

Radio: GOVERNOR LEHMAN AND MAYOR LAGUARDIA HAVE ANNOUNCED THAT IT IS VERY, VERY DARK.

Roger: Now all we need is a power failure.

BLACKOUT

Elsa: It’s very, very dark in here.

Kelly: Try the light switch.

Roger: It doesn’t work. It just a prop.

Oddie: Ouch.

Oddie: What was that?

Roger: A loon.

Bernice: Didn’t I hear just the teeniest little scream just a moment ago.

Sticky: Yes, I tripped over the stair.

Bernice: That is so annoying!

Oddie: (Looks down at her) Didn’t I tell you Sticky, when you go down the stair, don’t plie?

Helsa: (Holds lantern aloft) Stay close to the light, the stairway can be treacherous.

Elsa: Lights are back. I just plugged my hair dryer into the plug in the green room.

Pie: So now what do we do?

Bernice: It’s time for O’Smiley’s solo. Take it away, O’Smiley...

O’Smiley: (sings) HELLO MITHER. HELLO FITHER.

Kelly: She’s dead! Marjorie’s dead

Marjorie: That’s it?!? You mean I die in Act I! Sandy, you never told me about this, never!

Elsa: You’ll be in seventh heaven now, Marjorie.

Kelly: Was anyone here when she was killed?

Roger: Couldn’t have been. When Marjorie was killed, it was dark!

Elsa: That’s right. It was very, very dark. (To Kelly) Sergeant, you’ll blow you’re cover. Why are you doing this?

Kelly: It’s gone too far. Two people have been murdered, and two songs. I’m Sergeant Michael Smelly, I’m working on the case of the – stage door flasher.

O’Smiley: You’re the police? What division?

Kelly: Leery crimes.

O’Smiley: You got a badge?

Kelly: No, it’s in the top desk drawer right next to Baby’s notebook.

O’Smiley: Why are you here? Did you expect to find the flasher?

Kelly: No, we got a tip that we’d find an armed and dangerous criminal here - the person who’s been shooting the O’s out of all our stop signs.

Elsa: That’s right. Mr. Kelly is one of the top police officers in New York, an excellent sleuth, one of the greatest detectives who ever lived.

O’Smiley: ("It’s getting real deep") Excuse me, Mrs. Von Grossenkneuten, if’n you don’t mind, I’ll be needin’ that shivel now.

Bernice: (Sings) There’s mischief in Washington, and guess who has to pay?

Helsa: You! Vat are you doing here.

Bernice: Sitting on the step, that’s all.

Helsa: Vy?

Bernice: So I don’t trip over it.

Helsa: You have not seen me. If you tell, I will get you. Have you ever been folded, spindled, and mutilated?

Bernice: (points to Helsa’s right leg) No, but it looks like you have. (Expect groans)

Sticky: Oh look. Another secret passage. I wonder what’s down there. (Looks off)

Oddie: What do you see? Can you see the slasher?

Sticky: No, Sue Haudenshield. And someone else running around screaming, "My God! His pants are falling down!" Elsa’s down there too. Can you see anything, Elsa?

Elsa: No. It’s very very dark in here.

Sticky: That’s it. I’m going in.

Oddie: Wait! I can’t believe you’re doing this when there’s a flasher roaming around.

Oddie: No thanks, I already got one.

Oddie: No thanks, I already got a barber. Todd, near the pie shop. You know him?

* * *

O’Smiley: I’m Lieutenant Tony (Soft G) Garibaldi. With the (Soft G) Gestapo. I know you’re in there. Come out with your hands up. I’m (Soft g) going to count to ten. One-ay. Oo-tay. Ee-thray.

Roger: Hey, he’s counting in pig-latin.

Pie: Well, Helsa’s a –

Elsa: (claps hand over Pie’s mouth) Now, now!

Helsa: Excuse me, gnadige frau, I went to the basement - for ze potatoes for ze vichyssoise. But ze stage manager, she took all of zem for the snowflakes. So ve vill haff Stove Top instead of potatoes.

O’Smiley: (He’s been stabbed through one of the sheets of Hopewell and Roth music). Oooh. Eeeh. Aaaah. Oooh. (Lands on Bernice, who spills her drink.)

Bernice: That’s it. My martini’s gone and I’ll never get it back!

Sticky: He’s dead. Stabbed right through this music.

Oddie: I don’t understand how a knife could have got through this. I couldn’t even get through the first verse.

Sticky: There’s a note here, in Baby’s notebook, right after the last appointment.

Oddie: Is it a code?

Sticky: No, it looks just like Roger’s lines in Act II. It says "45 – Sunkist Oranges - "

Pie: Isn’t a 45 a kind of gun?

Kelly: We thought of that. It didn’t pan out.

Sticky: Records. She was bringing her 45’s to the audition.

Kelly: Now, what can we get from Sunkist Oranges. Tang?

Bernice: That’s it! The new second act opener should be a tango!

Sticky: Navel. That’s it! The flasher was killing belly dancers. Why?

Roger: Their castanets probably reminded them of Bernice’s costume.

Elsa: I suggest an armed foray into the tunnels.

Smelly: That’s right. Here, Oddie, you take the luger and go in through there. Elsa, you take the derringer and go in through there.

Elsa: I get the derringer?

Kelly: Yes, that’s right, why?

Elsa: I would have preferred the .45.

Bernice: I would have used a Winchester myself.

Sticky: Can we cut the munitions discussion until later? The flasher could be down there...

Pie: The chase must be going badly. I knew you were a dancer. I could tell from the very beginning.

Sticky: Why, because I walk like a duck?

Pie: No, because of the way you tripped over the step in the first rehearsal.

Sticky: Well, here we are alone, the cute girl and a strange man - and we’re near the end of the play, and that means – Oh my God!

Roger: Pie! Oh, you’re on that side tonight? Look, God knows I don’t know my lines well enough at all to worry about your blocking.

Elsa: You’re the stage door slasher, Pie? Why, Pie, Why?

Pie: Why what?

Elsa: Not why what, why who.

Pie: It doesn’t matter. You’re all going to die. All of you.

Bernice: We’re going to die? That’s it. I’ve been stopped from giving birth a lot here tonight.

Pie: All that remains is how.

Roger: Well, I’m not exposing my belly button to anyone.

Pie: I’ve got it, a fire! Just like the movie I once made with Borah Minnevitch, Josh Logan, Borah Minnevitch, Borah Minnevitch, Josh Logan, Borah Minnevitch – and did I say Josh Logan?

Bernice: Yes.

Pie: Just like a movie which I’m sure you’ve seen, since you’ve seen all the movies I haven’t made. You see, once I was an actor. Which was foolish. And I went up on my lines during dress rehearsal. Which was even more foolish. So I made up a list of actors names, which was the most foolish of all. That’s it! A fire. I’ll start a fire and that will keep me warm. Now, what can I use to start the fire. Oddie, give me that candle over there. (Oddie hands him a candle. He is crushed by the closing bookcase. Oooomf grgrgrl grugh mmmf.

Sticky: Hey look! The bookcase closed on Pie!

Elsa: What’s he saying?

Pie: Oooomf grgrgrl grugh mmmf.

Kelly: I’ll pry the bookcase open a bit and see. What are you saying, Pie?

Pie: I said, "Put - the - candle - back!"

Helsa: Well, I’ve killed people too. I killed O’Smiley. I put poison in his hot chicken. Something he could swallow.

Sticky: Orally?

Helsa: No, O’Reilly! (Laughs) Just a little yoke from my cabaret days.

Roger: Really? Tell me, do you do Maria Merelli?

Bernice: Chickens! That’s it! Roger

Roger: What’s it?

Bernice: We’re wrong setting our musical in Washington. We need the wide open space of a chicken ranch, and sex and lust, and brothels and hookers. Our next musical should be set in ... TEXAS!