Stage 62 Cast Skit: HELLO DOLLY

by John Elion

MORRIS PHILANDERER (often promounced "Fillenderer")

DOLLY WRANGLER

CORNELIUS (What can you do with a name like that?)

WANNABE

MRS. ANNOY

MINNIE

Various Characters

ACT I

**** SCENE 1 ****

#1: Look, it's Dolly Wrangler. She's the well known marriage broker!

Dolly: Well, that's not quite right. It's Dolly Wrangler, the well known "marriage breaker". Now I'm off to break up the marriage of the wealthy half-millionaire from Yonkers, a Mr. Philanderer

Morris: That's "Fillenderer" [emphasized like Vandergeller, PHIL'-an-DER-er]

Dolly: Oh, that's all right dearie, you say it your way and I'll say it mine. Anyway, I won't be able to offer my lightning quick service getting eligible young married men divorced as usual, but I'll have you out of the secretaries pool and walking down the aisle with an Executive Vice President before the week is out. By the way, I'm also available for [hands out card to each]

#1: Dolly Wrangler. "Twenty-four year old stage carpenters taught how to juggle."

#2: "Twenty-six year-old special ed teachers taught how to cartwheel."

#3: "Seventeen year-old high school students taught how to skip school so they can be absent at their marching band concerts to make Friday opening night performances"

#4: "????? members taught to Choo-Choo in rhythm"

#5: "????? taught how to catch and throw plates like frisbees"

#6: "Sixty-hmm-hmm-hmm year-old retired schoolteachers taught how to pull curtains."

Man: Just what do you get out of all of this, Mrs. Wrangler?

Dolly: A living. Some people paint, some sew, ...I get 10% of all the alimony checks from the estranged wives I've created.

SONG: "I PUT MY FOOT IN THERE"

Dolly:

WHEN A MAN WITH A TIMID TONGUE (Picks a man from group)
LIKES A GIRL WITH A DIFFIDENT AIR (Picks a girl-back to back)
WHY SHOULD THE TORTURED CREATURES
BEAT AROUND THE BUSH?
I TELL THEM THINGS THAT POSITIVELY (Whispers to each while singing)
MAKE THEM BLUSH (They look at each other in horror
then turn backs on each other,
arms folded)
I PUT MY FOOT IN THERE! (DOLLY points to mouth)
YES, I PUT MY FOOT IN THERE

  WHEN A MAN WHO'S NOT 5 FOOT 8 (Pulls another man, amorous)
WANTS TO ASK A GIRL OUT ON A DATE (and a woman)
I'LL TELL HER STORIES (Whispers to her only)
THAT ONLY BRING HER RAGE (She slaps him)
(NOT LIKE THE WAITER (Smile at Justin!)
WHO ASKED HER RIGHT ON STAGE)
I PUT MY FOOT IN THERE!
YES, I PUT MY FOOT IN THERE

Now, Mr. Kemper I'll be on the train to get you to Yonkers so you can marry Avant-Garde, but first I have to use the facilities, and [checking purse] oh, no I see that I don't have any change for the pay toilets, only large bills, fives and sevens, so here is what you do: You get change for the pay toilets, go into the ladies room, get a window stall, leave the seat down, and I'll take care of the necessary before we leave for Yonkers.

**** SCENE 2 ****

Morris: Cornelius, would you come up here please? I have good news for you. I'm giving you a promotion.

Corn: Oh, what will my new job be?

Morris: I'm promoting you to "Alternate Second Assistant Storeroom Clerk's Helper".

Corn: Gee, what am I now, Mr. Fillenderer?

Morris: You are "Auxiliary Aide to the Alternate Fifth Assistant Barnyard Manure Sweeper on Alternate Tuesdays and Fridays." I am promoting you from "Auxiliary Aide to the Alternate Fifth Assistant Barnyard Manure Sweeper on Alternate Tuesdays and Fridays" to "Alternate Second Assistant Storeroom Clerk's Helper". Are there any questions?

Corn: Yes. Does "Alternate Second Assistant Storeroom Clerk's Helper" get to operate the antique cash register?

Morris: No, you imptertinent fool, that's an expensive stage prop and no one gets to touch it but Dolly. No go on, get out of here. 90% of the people in the world are fools, and the rest of us merely act like fools. Such fools, these people are. I remember once, I was an actor up on stage, which was foolish. I went up on my lines, which was more foolish. I made up some lines, which was more foolish than anything else. Then the musicians started, which was wise of them, and saved the rest of the show.

Dolly: Now, Mr. Philanderer, all of New York is buzzing that you are going after it on the side with a Mrs. Irene Annoy. I came to offer you my deepest sympathy.

Morris: Sympathy?

Dolly: Yes, It's not true what they say about Mrs. Annoy's last husband.

Morris: What did they say?

Dolly: Now don't you worry. She was slicing the vegetables to have with the chowder. She was just standing there, holding the knife, and he ran into it...twelve times. [Pause if there's laughter] But it could happen to anybody. Don't you worry, though. Now she's in the military business.

Morris: You mean she's in the millinery business. She sells hats.

Dolly: No, I mean military. She sells guns.

Morris: Well, I still intend on calling on her.

Dolly: Oh, Mr. Fillenderer, then I suppose I'll just have to tell the other woman, the heiress, to forget it.

Morris: What did you say?

Dolly: Oh, nothing. A word. Heiress.

Morris: Particulars, Dolly. I demand Particulars.

Dolly: Oh, did I say "heiress". I meant "airhead". Her mother was a Vacuum, you know.

[Later.]

Corn: Alternate Second Assistant Storeroom Clerk's Helper. Thirty-three Years old and I'm just an Assistant Clerks Helper. And in ten years, I might get to be "Assistant Storeroom Clerk's Primary Helper, Once Removed". That does it. Wannabe, come up here! I'm going to New York!

Wanna: Holy boxcars! Oh, well. How do you know?

Corn: Because the tomato cans are going to explode.

Wanna: Holy tankers! How do you know?

Corn: Because I'm lighting these candles under them, see! Watch and learn, Wannabe. Look! There they go now. Listen, Wannabe!

Wanna: I don't hear anything.

Corn: Of course you don't hear anything. Neither do I. But we're going to pretend like we hear them exploding, so I can have the night off.

Wanna: Holy locomotives! That's brilliant. Can I go too? I wanna see the stuffed pepper at 14th Street Market.

**** SCENE 3 ****

Minnie: Mrs. Annoy, wild horses couldn't make me ask this, but I hear you're going to marry Mr. Fillenderer after he gets a divorce. Do you really love him?

Annoy: No, Minnie, I'm doing it for one reason: to get out of the military. Get some adventure. I had this strange dream last night. Did I tell you about it?

Minnie: Was it the dream where you sang "I'll be wearing ribbons down my back?"

Annoy: [NOTE: Some of the crew feel Lisa looks like Fruma Sarah from "Fiddler" in this song. This should get the point across.] No. I was singing "This I'll give your Tzeitel, That I'll give your Tzeitel, This I'll give your Tzeitel, That I'll give your Tzeitel", and this rabbi kept singing "Mazeltov" to a Jewish man. Anyway, is that the new gun for Miss Mortimer?

Minnie: Yes, but she didn't like it. She wants more Barrels and Triggers, Barrels and Triggers. I'll take care of it.

Annoy: That's all right Minnie, you can make another if you like. I'm going to pack this one myself.

Minnie: Mrs. Annoy, you can't. You're a widow, and well, carrying a gun. It's provocative, that's what. And, oh, Mrs. Annoy, you aren't going to use the gun to kill your -

Annoy: No, Minnie, not that. There's two guys outside. No one ever comes in to a gun shop owned by a woman, something about being afraid of shotgun marriages. But I think I'll be able to convince these two to step inside.

Minnie: Why would we want that, Mrs. Annoy? Oh, I'm sorry. I'd sooner die on the rack than ask that question.

Annoy: I can arrange that!

Wanna: Cornelius, What should we do when the shopkeeper comes out? We'll have to buy something. Otherwise the owner will come out, that Mrs. er, um, [looks around] you know, the owner, Mrs. er, um., [looks around more [Lisa was late on this entrance due to mike problems] Is anybody there?

Annoy: Annoy. Can I help you gentlemen?

Corn: We were just looking walking down the street, and decided to stop in and buy a gun.

Annoy: I'm a widow and I'm Catholic (pointing gun).

Corn: (Hands up) That's OK. I'd be willing to change...

Morris: [Enters] Mrs. Annoy, I brought you a present. Some ammunition. Unshelled. The explosive kind!

There were just two men in this shop. That's it, I'm going for the airhead. Good day.

Annoy: Cornelius, you can come out of the closet now. I demand that you leave the shop at once, or else I'll have you arrested.

Dolly: You can't have just have them arrested. You must deal with them through the courts.

Annoy: The law courts?

Dolly: No, the tennis courts. I've been adding up the violations these two have committed. Five foot-faults alone in that last number. [To audience] And, after all, when they get to the tennis courts they're sure to score "Love-Love".

Annoy: No. I think I'll have them take us to the Harmonica Gardens restuarant. I hear they have a great cook there.

Dolly: One of those gourmet chefs?

Annoy: Actually, he's not really a good cook, but he speaks German pretty well and he did fit the costume.

*************************************
ACT II

**** SCENE 1 ****

Corn: Waiter, we'd like a plate of yesterday's bread and cranberry sauce, please.

Waiter: I'm sorry, sir. We do have those, sir, but we are going to pass them off as turkey and beets at another table.

Morris: It looks like a message from the sky. Can you read it?

Girl: It's for you. It says "Trouble with mike."

Morris: What's the trouble with Mike? He looks OK to me.

Girl: No, you ninny, trouble with the microphone.

Morris: Huh?

Girl: There's trouble with his microphone.

Morris: I can't hear you. Are the mikes working?

***

Cust 1: Hey, did you notice the sides in that waiters dance were uneven? There were 3 waiters on one side and 2 on the other. What do you suppose happened?

Cust 2: Well, some people say that one of the waiters went out of town, but I don't believe it for a moment.

Cust 1: What do you think it was?

Cust 2: Well, I've heard tell that one of the waiters has split through every pair of black pants in the costume room and didn't have a thing to wear!

***

Dolly: Rudy, I'm going to sit down here and do my restaurant scene with Mr. Philanderer. But there's all these bits with beets and dumplings and giblets, and I get them all mixed up. So, if you don't mind, let me [beat] "wing these clips" [give the look].

**** SCENE 2 ****

**** SCENE 3 ****

Morris: I hear noises coming from the storeroom downstairs. [stomps] Cornelius? Are you down there? Have you come grovelling back to me?

Corn: No, Mr. Fillenderer, I just came back for my savings. We're opening up a business across the street. And because the hay and feed business has proven so lucrative for you, Mrs. Annoy and I are going into business as a supplier.

Morris: Supplier?

Corn: We're going to make hay.

THE END