By John Elion

Characters:

DIRECTOR

GLINDA

DOTTY

SCARECROW

THIN MAN

LION

LIZARD

Witch: I hope all of you will enjoy this cast skit we've worked so hard preparing for you. We need you to listen carefully because Dotty and her friends may call on you to do some things and we need your help if this skit is to be a success. Now, everybody laugh uproariously.

 (Pause while everyone laughs. Don't expect uproariously.)

 And now we present The Lizard of Odd.

 (steps aside)

Glinda: Is this yours? Yours? What did you say it was? You didn't! I was just standing there in the back yard, watching my grass grow, when suddenly out of the sky there came this - this - tree branch. Do you know whose it is?

Dotty: It isn't mine. All I know is my name is Dotty and I'm from Kansas and I didn't drop my tree branch on anyone. There was this storm and then this tomato and then I woke up and...

Glinda: Well, you seem to have dropped the tree branch on the Nasty Nome of the North, freeing all of Odd from her terrible power. To thank you for freeing us I'll grant you any wish you like - just ask...

Dotty: I want to go home.

Director: I know it's getting late, but we're nice guys. Let's get through the show once tonight, then we'll all go home. OK, Dotty?

Dotty: No, that's my wish, Mr. Director. It's in the script...

Director: Oh, so it is. You're right, that IS in the script. I'm sorry. Please continue...

Glinda: Well, I can't send you home. Only the lizard can do that.

Dotty: Lizard? What Lizard?

Glinda: The Lizard of Odd. He has much greater power than I have. He'll send you home.

Dotty: How do I find him?

Glinda: Just walk around the auditorium three times, and I'm sure he'll appear. But be careful; you've defeated the Nasty Nome of the North, but you still must go through the territory of Scarlett, the So-So Scum of the South.

Dotty: Scarlett, the So-So Scum of the South?

Glinda: That's right, and she's much more terrible, so be very careful. Goodby, Dotty! I've got to go now. I must go and watch the paint in my living room dry.

 (GLINDA exits. Dotty takes a few steps and passes SCARECROW, who is posed. She keeps going. Scarecrow collapses a la Scarecrow. Dotty doesn't notice. Dotty can continue to walk in place a la Red Riding Hood in Into The Woods.)

Scarecrow: (Clearing throat nice, REAL obvious:) Hm hmmmm.

(DOTTY still doesn't notice)

Scarecrow: Wait, Dotty! Aren't you're wondering what a scarecrow is doing stuffed on a post in the middle of the woods.

Dotty: Oh, yeah. What is a scarecrow doing stuffed on a post in the middle of the woods?

Scarecrow: I'm so glad you asked me that. I'm supposed to be unstuffed, but we didn't have any extra straw for that. Then we got extra straw, and they put it in my costume. But they didn't leave any holes in the costume for the straw to fall out of. Oh, if I only had a drain.

(allow ample time for groans.)

Dotty: Well, I wish I could help, but I'm on my way to see the Lizard of Odd. He's going to send me home, so I'll leave you alone to ...

(Pause)

Scarecrow: WAIT! Aren't you wondering if I would like to go with you to see the Lizard of Odd?

Dotty: Oh, yeah. Would you like to go with me to see the Lizard of Odd?

Scarecrow: I thought you'd never ask.

Director: So did I.

Dotty: Well, there's that funny looking yellow thing that walks around the house every so often. Let's follow him because he stands backstage near a script and he seems to know what is going on.

(They walk farther and encounter Thin Man)

Dotty: Well, I think we're at the part where we meet the THIN MAN in the forest, but the tree broke. So Munchkins, I want all of you to become trees and the best one gets to come up here and stand with his

arms over his head for the rest of the play behind the Thin Man.

Director: [Firmly and parentally, like a chide. This line is delivered in the same manner throughout the skit.] Stay in character! If you see something wrong on the set, go with it. Don't make such a big deal about it! Take it from the Thin Man's first line...

Thin Man: (let's out a simple vowel sound which cannot be mistaken for actual language) FEED ME.

Dotty: Did you hear a noise? I thought I heard a noise.

Scarecrow: Maybe it's coming from over there.

Dotty: It is! It's alive. Would you and you and you and you help me feed the thin man?

Scarecrow: Look. I've found some food. Dotty, find someone to help me feed the thin man.

Thin Man: Now look what you've done! I been fasting for all these years - haven't touched a bite - and in one fell swoop with spoon and fork you put all those years to waste. I'm so disappointed I could just die.

Dotty: DON'T DIE, Thin man. Would all of you tell the thin man not to die?

(Directs audience:) DON'T DIE!

Thin Man: Oh, thank you. But what am I going to do? All made of metal. Can't even comb my hair. If I only had a part. (expect more groans)

Dotty: Well we're going to see the Lizard of Odd and he's going to give me a home and scarecrow a drain. Why don't you come? I'm sure he can help you. It's just two more times around the auditorium...

Scarecrow: That seems like such a long way to walk. I wish we had a faster way to get there. If I only had a train.

Thin Man: Faster? You don't have to lug this costume around that weighs a ton and gets so hot and sticky inside you can't walk. I don't mind a slow, easy pace to get to the Lizard of Odd, but I'd rather not have to actually walk. If I only had a cart.

(They go on and encounter LION. She [very obviously] sneaks up behind Dotty sneaks up behind Dotty, looms menacingly over her from behind, and yells, scaring the #### out of her.)

Lion: Raaaaah.

Dotty: What the hell was that?

Director: Stay In Character!

Thin Man: I'm so afraid, I could just die!

Dotty [directs audience:] DON'T DIE!!!

Dotty: Oh, yeah. I mean, get away from here. You should be ashamed of yourself. Scaring the thin man like that.

Lion: Well, I'm not like that really. Really I'm a coward. And since nothing rhymes with coward, I'm going to spare you all the cheap puns these other two jokers have given you.

Dotty: Well, we're going to see the Lizard of Odd to give the Scarecrow a drain and the thin man a part. Would you like to come with us?

Lion: OK. Which way do we go?

Scarecrow: Not that way. That sign says Gilligan's Island.

Lion: Does the Lizard of Odd live on Route 66?

Thin Man: Here it is. "Lizard's chamber".

Dotty: There's the lizard! Oh, everything's so green! The buildings! The ground! Your skin!

Director: Where's the lizard?

Witch: He's in the back, trying to find the Eat-n-Park cookies before the kids get to them all.

Director: You stay in character. Someone get the Lizard please...

Lizard: Hello, everybody. Lizard here. Bake, bake, bake. Found the cookies too late. Too late. Too late.

Director: Your entrance line please?

Lizard: I AM THE LIZARD OF ODD! (Press button for each:)

(Press) BANG!

(Press) CRASH!

(Press) (Activates Thin Man, sung) "There are giants in the sky!"

Not that music! Horrible music! So many switches and dials! Well, two actually, but the Christmas lights look nice.

(Pause) Anyway, knew you were coming. But I can't help you. Seems they blew a fuse up in the...the...

Director: Light booth. Plain old ordinary light booth.

Lizard: Light booth. Now there isn't any sunlight.

Dotty: Lizard, lizard, can you help us find the light?

Lizard: Well, last time I was trying to find the light but I found the earthquake button instead. They're still pretty upset about that in California. Now the So-so scum of the south has all the power. I think she's a witch.

Thin Man: (British accent - Sir Bedemir) How do you know she is a witch?

Lizard: (British [John Cleese] man in crowd) She turned me into a newt. (Normal) Now, without her broomstick she has no power. So all you have to do is swim into her pond, ward off a few menacing snappers and the odd killer whale or two, dig out the needles, rusty tin cans, tires, junked cars, dead fish, past the waterfall, down the rapids, through the...

Director: Skip a bit, Lizard!

Lizard: and so on, that's ALL you have to do, and get the broomstick.

Dotty: Will you help us get the broomstick?

Thin Man

Lion (unison) Not a chance!

Scarecrow

Lion: We're outta here.

Lizard: Bye, Dotty. Got to get to work. Fading out for now.

Witch: Hello, Dotty. Won't you give me your slippers so I can rule all of Odd?

Dotty: Here, take them.

(Witch goes to take them, but as she touches them, she screams)

Dotty: Do they feel like hot coals?

Witch: No, they feel like somebody glued glitter all over them, and that can be so prickly. Give me the slippers, Dotty. Look at what I can do to your friends, Dotty. Look at the lion, Dotty...

Lion: Get away, get away. Get away.

Scarecrow: What's wrong, Lion? Is it your tail?

Lion: No, my tail's so short I can't even see it. I just got this urge to say, "Get away".

Witch: Can't do much with the thin man. All he does is cry in the real play, and in this play I can't kill him or the Munchkins will all say (prompt them) DON'T DIE. We'll need him later. But, the scarecrow, Dotty. Look at the scarecrow.

Scarecrow: Ouch, I feel a prick. Ouch, there's another one. Ouch. Help me,

THIN MAN. I'm being pricked. Can you see what's pricking me?

Thin Man: You want me to find a needle in a haystack?

Dotty: No, you're supposed to set the THIN MAN on fire. Here, try this. It's a match.

Witch: No, I hate flame. Don't you know, silly girl? They used to burn witches. We're very flammable. We're made of wood, you know. And that splotchy green makeup isn't flame retardant either. Help me, I'm burning. Ahhh. (Dies)

Scarecrow: Dotty, don't you say 'We got the witch's broomstick' now?

(DOTTY takes broomstick, and leaves).

Dotty: Oh yeah. We got the witches broomstick. Let's go. Now the lizard can send me home.

(The group moves to Lizard)

Here you are lizard. We got the witch's broomstick, like you asked.

Lizard: What did you do with the witch. [ALL make noise of the fire siren behind the library - long slow up, hold, down, up]

(Delivered like the Real Wizard in "TWOOz")

Oh, you incinerated her, eh?

Lizard: And now, I have a surprise for each of you. First, the scarecrow. Here you are. You wanted a "ain" something. Well, that I haven't got. But I have got something you haven't got. It's a GED.

Scarecrow: Now I'm smart.... R-I-A-N! Brian! I-K-E! Mike! I can spell! I have a brain!

Lizard: And for you, thin man, I have Tim's old alarm clock. Listen to it, can you hear it? Tick Tick?

Thin Man: No, I can't hear anything.

Lizard: Well, keep your ear there till about 6:30 AM. You'll hear it. And for you, lion, I have this soup bowl. I got it from a little blond-haired girl I came across in the forest. Now you have your porridge, lion.

Lion: This one's just right!

Lizard: Well, that's the surprise.

Dotty: Home?

Lizard: What?

Dotty: Home.

Lizard: That's right. You all can go home. Shows over. Goodbye, Munchkins. Lizard of Oz, faking out.

Glinda: I must say, that was a truly engaging performance.