Stage 62 Cast Skit: FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
by Carol Karl, Jenni Elion, and Jeanne Elion

Cast of Characters
ANNOUNCER
DIRECTOR
TEVYE
CINDY
STAGE MANAGER
YENTE
SYLVIE
LAZAR
MORDCHA
MIKE
CHOREOGRAPHER
RABBI
FRED
CHALLAH
Various People

Announcer: Our director has said we should tighten up the show. Well, maybe she didn't mean quite this speedy, but tonight we present a rehearsal for Fiddler on the Hoof, or Concerto for the Bull Fiddle, or Don't String Me With a Bum Steer.

Director: Well, everyone in the cast is here, and they're on time!

All: (singing) WONDER OF WONDERS, MIRACLE OF MIRACLES!

Director: OK, Tevye, ready for Act One, Scene One. And I want the lines to move. We have only a half hour, so I can give you my notes.

All: Moan! Groan!

Tevye: A fiddler underfoot? Sounds crazy, but in our little village, we work all day and are always on the go, like, you know? And it's hard to get from one side to the other without getting run over.

All: (singing to the tune of "Day by Day") TRADITION! TRADITION!

Cindy: Hey! Do I have to go over your parts again?

Person #1: You can go over my parts any time you want.

Stage Manager: Blackout! Anybody who's not in the next scene get off the stage.

Director: So we won't waste any more time, Yente, get on stage and this time, come right to the point.

Yente: OK. Sylvie, Crazy Dog wants to marry Tzeitel.

Sylvie: Such a match. Thank you.

Yente: So goodbye, Sylvie, and you're welcome.

Sylvie: Girls, come out here and I want you to wash that dirt floor till it shines.

Girls: (singing) I'M GONNA WASH THAT FLOOR RIGHT UNDER YOUR FEET.

Stage Manager: Blackout!

Director: There must be some way of making these scene changes faster.

Stage Manager: I know how. Each person will have special things to move. Here's a little list. (Brings out long roll of paper.)

Tevye: (Starts singing "If I Were a Rich Man") Wait, I'm Tevye, the milkman, and I've got my own songs to sing for youns. (singing) OH BUTTERMILK BUY...BUTTER UP YOUR OVERCOAT...GIMME A LITTLE QUICHE, WILL YA.

Director: Kem, you're out of the show. Ron!

Person #1: Listen, everybody. Terrible news, terrible! Stage 62 was evicted - forced to leave Independence!

Person #2: No! God forbid.

Person #3: Why?

Person #1: Maybe Mrs. Popovich wanted their stage.

All: She didn't!

Person #1: She did!

All: (Hands up in disgust) Oi, ai, ah, oh, oh, oi!

Yente: And that's what comes from men and women acting.

Stage Manager: Blackout! Move those tables, set those props, pull in that stomach, stick out that chest, tote that barge! OK. Lights!

Lazar: Reb Mordcha, please bring me two cans of your best beer, Anheuser-Busch.

Mordcha: Just say Natural!

Lazar: Let's not sing to Tevye. I have my own song to sing. (singing) I'VE GOT PLENTY OF MUTTON!

Mordcha: That's from Porky and Bess.

Lazar: (singing) YOU'VE GOTTA BUY HEARTS,
KIDNEYS, LIVERS, OTHER PARTS.

Mike: (High note sung loud and long)

Director: Mike, you're out of the show. Ron!

Mike: Wait! Tevye, we Russians propose a toast. (singing) YOU'RE THE CREAM IN MY VODKA.

All: (Fall down in a pile)

Tevye: To Tony's!

Director: All right, let's cut to the dream.

(Tevye and Sylvie get into bed.)

Tevye: (Jumps up and shouts) Sylvie!

Sylvie: Not tonight, Tevye, I have a headache.

Tevye: (Pulls towel over head) Oh, forget it.

Director: Next we'll do the wedding scene, but first, here's your choreographer.

Choreographer: (Limps in) Crazy Dog and Tevye, go out in the lobby and I'll show you the steps for "It's All for the Best." Everyone else go out to the hocker field for Wedding Dance 4.5. First, for "Sunrise, Sunset", I want a little sway. Not very big - like this. (Demonstrates)

All: (Sway very big, then act like you're getting sick.)

Director: Moving on the fight scene, Sylvie, start with your line.

Sylvie: My own grandmother gave us a sign. (Someone brings out a sign)

Person #1: The Rabbi said...

Person #2: I saw them. They drank on it.

Person #3: The rabbi, the rabbi...

Tevye: You can keep your diseased chickens!

Person #2: That's a fowl thing to say!

Rabbi: Let's sit down.

Person #3: That's a sin, that's a sin.

Mordcha: Musicians, play!

(Two people do bottle dance by holding bottles of beer over their heads and having them "kick")

Director: Orchestra, you're out of the show. Ron! OK, that was a really really good first act. I only have 27 pages of notes. While we take a 5-second break, our producer has an announcement for us.

Producer: All the costumes and all the sets are finished, and thank you. Every single person helped.

All: (singing) WONDER OF WONDERS, MIRACLE OF MIRACLES!

Director: Act two, scene five. Go!

Fred: They still don't know about us.

Challah: I'll talk to him, I promise. Dad, I want to marry Fred.

Tevye: How many times have I told you about marrying outside the faith? Don't marry outside the faith. Now write it out 100 times.

Sylvie: I just went to the priest, and he told me Fred and Challah are living together.

All: That's a sin, that's a sin.

Director: That does it. You're all out! Ron!

Male #1: Where will I go with a wife, her parents, and 3 children?

Male #2: (skipping) We're going on a trolley, we're going on a scooter.

Tevye: Don't forget the baby.

Sylvie: We can stay with Uncle Murray. Meanwhile let's go to Tony's.

THE END

This page was last updated Fri Oct 10 11:53:30 1997